Hello. I’m depressed.
Probably a bit on the nose with that opening, but it gets it out of the way. If I’m being honest, I’m not too sure what my overarching topic for this is going to be. I do hope that it will offer some help or insight to others, as well as maybe sorting out the jumble that is my mind.
I’ve been officially diagnosed as being depressed for a little over two years now. I’ve been on and off (currently off) medication in that time. I remember the sheer terror when my Doctor said he was going to put me on antidepressants. I felt this made me a failure. Someone unable to cope with things that everyone else in the world seemed to manage without any problems whatsoever. I had no idea how I was supposed to break it to my family and friends. I remember telling my parents, and we must’ve spent hours talking about it (slight interjection, it turns out talking about things like feelings really helps. Who knew?) and when all was said and done, I realised just how daft I was being to be afraid. The biggest thing I learned, was that it’s okay to feel however you feel (wow, deep man).
The diagnosis, came after I had a massive breakdown at work. I’m not sure which part upsets me more looking back, the fact I was having a massive crying fit in front of one of my bosses, or the fact that I was shaking so badly I spilled most of my tea. Either way, it was the wake up I needed. The kick to make me get some help. Which I did. And it helped a lot.
18 months later, I still have major ups, and major downs. The ups are brilliant. The downs, not so much. There are days where I feel like I’m not worth anything, and that nobody wants me around. Most of the time I can’t truly work out if it’s all in my head, or if people don’t actually like me (it’s possible, I’ve been known to be a grumpy sod at times). Either way, it’s not a particularly nice feeling. I’m almost certain people don’t deliberately contribute to this, but they still sometimes say or do something that will really upset me. Nine times out of ten, it’s me being over sensitive. Thankfully, the very bad down days are getting rarer. I still have the odd panic and anxiety attack, but I tend to be able to deal with those a little better now.
The ups are literally the opposite end of the scale. I feel like I can be a functional member of society. Like I could go to crowded places and not freak out, or hold a conversation with someone I work with without thinking to myself “why do they hate me and wish I would leave?”. I’ve had conversations with my boss, who’s told me in no uncertain terms I’m a valued team member, and people don’t want me to leave. I’ve had similar conversations with my friends. One day, maybe these points will stick in my head, and I might actually accept them. Here’s hoping.
I apologise (to everyone who has made it this far) for what appears to be a diatribe of how day to day life makes me feel and everything in between. Hopefully (fingers crossed) someone might read this and recognise something of their own journey here. To those people, please remember no matter how bad it gets, you will have someone who will be there to you. To listen, to give you a cuddle or to just make you a cup of tea (I was only told the best cure for anything was a good cup of tea). When you hit a dark spot, find them. Talk to them. Keeping everything inside yourself is very very bad. Like crossing the streams bad.
I know how hard it can be, and I know hard it’s going to be. Just please know, you’re not alone. Despite how it feels sometime (believe me I’m an expert on it) you will never be alone.
I guess in conclusion (as any good essay should have), all that needs to be said is, don’t be scared to talk to people, and always make sure you have the kettle on.