I don’t have Anxiety.
Yet that’s all I seem to see, every time I look for help the word ‘Anxiety’ appears like a huge wall in front of me.
I understand. It’s fantastic that there is fast growing help and support for an illness that affects so many people that was previously ignored and dismissed.
Only problem is I don’t really feel anxious… Sometimes, when it is bad, I don’t really feel anything at all… I don’t want to do anything at all. Sure there are some feelings, hunger, boredom, but why do anything about it, I can’t be bothered.
What do I do when the scale is tipped in the other direction?
I tried going on a course once, a wellbeing taster session, “awesome” I said, “just what I need, I’m doing the right thing, taking control of my illness”. It was one hour thirty of dealing with anxiety, I kind of gave up after that, I’ve been taking medication for two and a half years since, I can’t be bothered.
I’ve looked on sites, blogs, boards but I struggle to find anything, maybe I’m just not really looking, maybe I see the word anxiety and switch off, maybe I can’t be bothered.
It all started with the sleep, or lack of it. I would spend most of the night awake, trouble getting to sleep, trouble staying asleep and then waking up early morning. I didn’t get out of bed, I just laid there. I didn’t go to work, I didn’t want to do anything, I was just so deeply tired, I thought about doing something about it. I can’t be bothered.
I’m sick of playing the Xbox, but every time I put the controller down I just pick it back up again and turn myself off, turn into someone else, cease to think, thinking is too much effort anyway, all I need to do now is just react, move my fingers. My stomach is growling, walk in to the kitchen, open a cupboard/drawer/fridge, They’re full but there isn’t anything to put straight in to my mouth, I’ll just go back, pick up the controller, repeat the cycle. I can’t be bothered.
Lazy. That’s a feeling, that’s how I feel when I sit there, unwashed, unfed, sitting in the clothes I slept in and will sleep in later that night. I can’t be bothered
I have a bass guitar I haven’t touched in months. A half-finished book on the shelf for half a year. Weights I never use. Two paintings half finished. I started going swimming recently, I went once a week, for two weeks then stopped. A 30 day plank challenge lasted 7 days. I ran a marathon last year, my training consisted of two longish runs, a handful of short ones and me nearly passing out at the finish line. I did it, and I’m proud that I did but the training was difficult to do and I suffered for it, will I do it again? I can’t be bothered.
“I can’t be bothered” is a phrase that plagues my life, I can get frustrated with myself because I often lack the energy to do things I want or need to do. The challenge is realising that the problem isn’t with me not being bothered, it’s that I have an illness. Will I always have it? Will I be able to live with it? At this moment, I have no idea.
It helped me to write this so I hope it helps you to read this, I want people who feel the same way to see that they’re not alone, even with all the information out there it can be difficult to find someone that shares the same thoughts and feelings. There are people who are willing to listen and support you but sometimes just reading something you can relate to can provide a much needed relief, and that’s the one thing I really needed.
I hope that this insight into my mind can provide some understanding on how it can be living with depression when it isn’t anxiety based. It’s not that I think too much about facing situations…
I can’t be bothered.