TW: References to suicide attempts
So you might know me as @TechnicallyRon, that weird idiot on the internet who writes stupid jokes and crudely throws together photoshops in attempt for some sort of validation. Let’s start off on a different foot. I am Aaron and I am a depressive. (This is the bit where we all say our names to the class and clap… ok let’s skip that bit.)
Looking back it’s easy to realise that I’ve always been depressed. It’s always been a part of me. It’s always been hanging over me, but I ignored it, brushed it off as an aspect of myself that I didn’t want to accept, and let it fester until one day it just became too much.
It was only once I started reading about other people’s experiences that I could finally say to myself that there was something wrong with me. That I wasn’t naturally this fuck up I assumed I created for myself. I blamed myself for feeling sad, I taught myself to believe that I deserved to feel this way, that it was penance for something or simply what I was supposed to feel like. I wished to be a tortured artist, but I had no talents, I was thoroughly mediocre at bass guitar, I tried to draw once and it looked like Jackson Pollock had joined DeviantArt on a bad drug trip, I dabbled with being a Bernard Black style alcoholic, but i wasn’t even cool enough for that.
Before I knew I had depression I had many breakdowns. I painted them in a romantic light, fooling myself into thinking I was in some bastardised Wes Anderson style montage. I refused to take anything seriously. I never found help after my first attempt to end my own life, I even went to work the next day pulling the sleeves over the bandages around my wrists. I ignored the second attempt the same contempt as the first. It took responsibility to be thrust upon me to realise that I needed to sort my life out. I got to a point where I knew I needed to be better, where I knew I couldn’t coast through life anymore being a cliched wannabe stereotype anymore.
I’ve been on meds for about 3 years now, and even though there are still ups and downs, I feel infinitely better. And I personally can say that reading other people’s experiences, seeing how other people, humans I knew personally and humans that I might through the internet, dealt with such issues. Really fucking difficult issues too, they had stories of their darkest times, but they spoke about them with such honesty that I knew I could help myself. I took inspiration from strangers, and that’s kind of what this website is for.
The most comforting thing I found coming out of my darkest, bleakest days was that I was not alone. I was not this obscure human disaster that had forced themselves into isolation, I just needed that push to say “Yeah, maybe I’m not entirely ok, let’s do something about this”
Let’s get to the fucking point shall we? Sorry. I guess what I am trying to say is that when you are ready to find help, it is there, it is available and people are ready to listen. That’s why Tom and I came up with the idea for this site. I place where people can talk, listen, relate and find help. People that have experienced MH issues from a first hand or second hand perspective know that they are complex issues that will not be solved by reading a single blog post, but I know that just knowing that I am not alone in the world, that I am not the only person feeling this way, helps.
Accepting who you are is a difficult things to come to terms with. You are taught from a young age that you are to better yourself, that you should strive to be the greatest human you can possibly be, but the fact is that some of us are destined to be worryingly average and that’s, that’s actually pretty fucking ok.
Aaron Gillies (@TechnicallyRon)